Could I be as strong as I need to be if something happened?
Unfortunately I've had people in my life go through some really tough stuff. It ranges from miscarriages, to not being able to get pregnant, close family members/friends dying, divorces, horrible accidents, disabilities and illnesses with their children, etc. Well today a friend posted a blog about her childhood friend's baby dying after only being on Earth for 95 days. You can find it here http://ourlittleremy.com/. Reading this, and some other blogs and facebook posts, have really got me thinking about how I would react in similar situations.
I can honestly say I am not sure I could do it. When it comes to babies and kids I can't handle it. I can barely handle other's pain, how would I handle my own? If something happened to CJ or GB I really do think I would lose my mind. Marc would have to deal with everything because I would be worthless. I had some recent worries with my pregnancy, nothing dramatic, nothing terrifying, but nonetheless it freaked me out. A miscarriage, still birth, or any other complication would really throw me for a loop. And I feel bad for the fact that I would become weak. That I would become extremely selfish. I know me, I know my flaws, and selfishness is one of them. I would want people to take care of me, feel sorry for me, and worry about me. But I would have a whole life that would need to be taken care of, a husband, children, a household. Who would do all that?
Maybe I wouldn't? Maybe, like so many women I know, would find strength somewhere deep down inside of me. A strength that only certain people possess. I really can't answer it. But in my prayers I often ask God to give me strength to handle whatever he throws at me. To lead me down the path he has set forth for me and face every trial and tribulation with strength.
What I do know is that I hugged Carter a little tighter after I read about Remy. And I'll be sure to cuddle with Gabe if he gets up in the middle of the night and not just wish him back to sleep. These times are so short and so special and it's easy to get wrapped up in the hectic, tantrum, busy stuff and not focus and what really matters, Team P. (I will say the girl and boy did try my nerves a bit tonight and Marc had to take over, but that's what dads are for, right?!)
To anyone that has had to find their inner hard core selves, I salute you. You are braver, stronger, and much tougher than me.
One of my all time favorite DMB lyrics fits nicely here:
"I shall miss these things when it all rolls by"