Thursday, September 29, 2011
Ahh, Superwoman, is there such a lady? A woman that is so super she has special powers?
If there is, I am not her. I struggle. I struggle with different things at different times. And the guilt of it weighs heavy on me. Am I a good mom? Am I a good wife? Am I neglecting my friends and family? Do I put myself last when maybe I shouldn't? Is that selfish of me to think? It's tough to try to do it all. In the words of Lady Antebellum "Trying to be everything can make you lose your mind."
I quit my job to be a stay at home mom because I knew I wasn't giving it my all at work. The work/life balance was not something I was interested in mastering. I had no desire whatsoever to work, therefore I was doing a piss poor job at it. I didn't think that was right to do to my employer. Or my co-workers who expected more of me.
Now replace co-workers with family and friends. I'm not the friend I once was. I am not the daughter or sister I once was. And dare I say it, I'm not the wife I once was. My whole focus is on my kids. And that's probably not healthy. But they are so little and I justify it to myself by saying, "They need me." I have to start saying, "It's ok to not meet EVERY SINGLE DEMAND. It won't scar them for life."
Asking for help has never been a strong suit of mine. Not sure why. I have MANY people in my life willing to help out if I just say the word. But, of course, I'm a woman, and I go about things passively. I think "Why can't they see I need help? Why don't they just offer?" It's silly and ridiculous to think anyone can read my thoughts, but I think it. My poor husband is probably the brunt of my "Why can't he..." lines in my head. He has often told me, "Emily, men are easy, just TELL me what you want and I'll do it. I don't know what you're thinking unless you tell me."
Why is it that women feel the need to be all things to all people? We have a hard time saying no. We have a hard time giving up control. It's not that I don't think my husband is an awesome dad and can take care of the kids, I just feel bad leaving him in complete control. I don't want to burden him. It's not that I don't think my family can help out, I just feel bad burdening them with three kids.
Even though every single person in my life has offered help.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I take a shower and not feel guilty? Why can I not go out shopping and leave the guilt behind? The kids will be ok. Whomever might be watching the kids will be ok. Everyone is ok without me! Maybe I need to write this on index cards and place them throughout my house so I can remember it.
I'm tired this week and this is why this post is even being written. Gabers had Croup, Harper is a newborn, and Carter is starting to notice she doesn't get as much attention as she used to. Another major guilt thing of mine right now. I had to sit and laugh one day as I was feeding H, G was trying to sit on my lap (which meant also sitting on H) and C was crying "Hold me, mommy." What else could I do in that moment but laugh? I only have so many hands. I only have so many hugs and kisses to give out at one time. I only have so much patience on any given day.
Kudos to us though for only having one or two crazy days in 5 weeks!
This mom needs a vacation. Not even a big one. I need 30 minutes of guilt free thoughts, where I can actually RELAX and not think about being a mom. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE BEING A MOM!!!! I love being a SAHM mom, but I deserve a break right?! Just a little one?! Again, my husband, my in-laws, they have all given me breaks, they have all done their part to help out, it's my brain that needs to give me a break.
Please tell me you are a Superwoman who needs a brain vacay?!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
For the first time, in a really long time, I miss working in Human Resources for the University of Virginia.
Yesterday was the Day of Caring. ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITE DAYS OF THE YEAR! HR has worked with Worksource Enterprises for about 4 years now and it's the most amazing day. It's the one day of the year when everyone cares about other human beings instead of just the task at hand. We set up a carnival for the clients so they can have a day of fun. The joy on their faces and the excitement of the day is overwhelming. The first time we participated I was newly pregnant with Carter and quite emotional. I realized that no matter what kind of baby God gave me, everything was going to be ok. My baby could have a "normal" life as long as I made sure of it. What's funny is I think I was pregnant or had a newborn for each Day of Caring. How nutty is that?!
Anyhoo, a dear friend sent me pictures of the event. (Thanks Ray Ray!) I immediately started crying. Seeing people that I worked with for 7 years brought back a lot of fun memories. Yeah, there were rough days, weeks, months, but overall it was a great experience. I loved my job, it was perfect for me. And most of the year I don't really miss it. But today, on this rainy Thursday, I miss my work buds. Also, to see them interacting with the clients is a good sight to see. In the working world you don't always get to see the sweet, nice side of your co-workers. A lot of the time you just see the "working" side of them. For one day we are just people helping other people for the pure joy of it.
But don't you worry, I don't want to go back or even start a new job! HA! My SAHM thing is working out pretty well. Plus, my co-workers are way cuter and give way better hugs than anyone in HR.
And it's Harper Riley's 4 week birthday. I'm feeling a blog coming going in to detail about my love for this sweet little pea. But I'll wait. Tears over work are one thing, tears over my baby is another!! Not sure I can handle it today. :-)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
"I can say, the night is long but you are here, close at hand, oh I'm better for the smile you give" ~lyrical genius of Genesis
So I had my third kid. In three years. That may be overdoing it a bit. Maybe I'm a showoff at heart?! Anyhoo, she is wonderful and I love her.
But she kept me up all night. I guess that's what a 2 1/2 week old does, but c'mon lady, sleep already! You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
In all honesty though, she's a dream. Doesn't cause us too many problems, yet, so I should count my blessings and be happy that bad nights are few and far between.
But on those nights it's rough man!
And on days like this, when I am oh so tired, I remind myself that I chose to be a mom. I chose to be a stay at home mom. I chose to have a third child. Not that it makes it easier, but it does put it in to perspective. I also realize I could have it much worse. I mean, one day, she'll be out on a date. Or driving. Or drinking. Or all of it and I really won't be able to sleep. At least these days she just wants to eat or be held. That's easy peasy if you ask me.
We have been told we are crazy, nuts, insane, and other similar words for having three small children. I think it's rude but whatevs. We have wanted each of our kids. Another question we get a lot, "you planned them?" Yes. Yes we did. Gabe was the only one that we sat down and said right now we want to get pregnant, but the other two were "hey, let's see how it goes". And it went just as it should. Carter, Gabriel, and Harper are my babies and I love 'em. They are the exact children I am supposed to have.
Anyhoo, Harper was planned and she came on August 25. She was delivered by c-section and it was rough. Definitely the hardest one I've had yet. I didn't like it and repeated that phrase many times during the procedure. But I had to keep my eye on the prize and know that it's worth it.
When Marc told me it was a girl I said, "Holy shit!" followed by, "Gabey gets to stay my boy". Yes, I'm classy. Swearing and then pointing out my favorite kid. HA! The hospital's name is Lewis-Gale and they were over the top AMAZING! I heart my doctor big time, Dr. Christopher Keeley, and his whole staff, especially his nurse Wendy. And the nurses and staff on the maternity floor were so sweet and caring and made our stay really special. Carly and Trish were my favorite and I think I need to drop off cupcakes for them. I mean, they were REALLY great. Only one other nurse compares and that is Ms. Lietzle Ford! And no one, I mean no one, will ever top her. The cleaning lady that decided to join in while Carter and Gabe met their baby sister was a bit weird, but I can't blame her, we're a cute family! I would have hijacked it too.
Then we came home and my parents stayed the week to help out. They were so fantastic. Even made me my favorite Polish dinner. It was so great seeing Carter and Gabe bonding with their grandparents and vice versa. I didn't mention Harper because I kept her all to myself for the most part! And I love that my parents got to see C and G in real life instead of just hearing the stories I tell all the time. We lived really far from my grandparents, so it's special to me that all of them can be in each other's lives. Thanks mom and dad! It meant so much to have you here. Plus, you were a huge help!
In another post I am going to address breastfeeding. I'll tie it back to the post I wrote before about the same topic. I won't get in to here because it will make for a really long post. But the short of it is that it's going pretty well! There are pluses and minuses but it's working for now so I'll stick with it. (Really I don't want to give up these hooters! HA!)
And next week my closest of friends will be meeting my newest addition. They actually may start to get mad at me for all the money they have to spend visiting these kids. HA! I'm excited though because these ladies are like family to me. Alicia, very kindly, has agreed to be Harper's Godmother and I could not be more thrilled. She's my longest tenured friend and we've been through a bunch together. I think they'll be the best of friends!!!
So, I am off to find something to do. I don't really have a lot going on so filling the days is quite difficult.
Sorry for the long random post. I rambled a bit and not sure what any of it means! HA! In my defense I didn't want to get too sappy cause I cry easily these days.
And here is the song I referenced above. I heard it on the radio shortly before TBD was born and it made me cry. I think it's just perfect!