Thursday, October 20, 2011


So there is a new show on NBC called "Up All Night".  I love it!  It represents parenting in a humorous, but very truthful light.  Last night's episode was about the birth of their daughter.

It hit me hard.

Everyone has an image in their mind of how their birth will go.  Some write out a birth plan (I did not), some just picture it in their own heads.  I never thought I'd have a c-section.  It wasn't even on the radar except for the fact I knew I didn't want one.

I had one.

Now I've had a total of 3.  I don't like it.

The initial blow of hearing the word "c-section" made me cry.  It made me cry hard.  The doctor asked me why.  I said that I was upset I couldn't give birth the way I was supposed to.  I was thinking that I was a failure.  That my body, the body that was CREATED for this, couldn't do it.  If I couldn't give birth, how could I be a mom?  Plus I was just scared.

Of course that is silly, but it was, and is, how I feel.  The thoughts of failure still enter my mind.  I still feel sad about it and wish it could have been different.  I tried so hard, so very hard, and still couldn't do it.  It was probably the first time in my life that I wanted something so badly and couldn't get it.

Well watching that episode brought it all back to me.  I go through spurts - sometimes I'm ok with it, I know it needed to be done, other times it breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart that I've had to keep having them and that it could possibly affect how many children I have.  I talked to the docs about a VBAC and it really wasn't an option for me.  Another crushing blow.

This post is not to say there is anything wrong with a c-section, because there isn't.  This post is about heartbreak I felt over the situation.  To see my husband hurting along with me, to be scared right along with me, and being so emotional words escaped him, made the whole experience that much more painful, but brought us that much closer.

I couldn't have done it without him.  In the show last night the husband was their for his wife and that's really when the tears started.  Marc has always been my safety net, my airbag, the guy that convinces me the world is a beautiful place.  He was strong for me when I couldn't be, even when he was hurting.

I'm hoping that as the years pass the heartache will get less and less.  I am sure it will never go away, it will always be a dark spot in my heart, but I hope I won't bust out in to tears whenever the subject comes up.  All that really matters is that I have three beautiful children that arrived here safely.  I guess it shouldn't matter too much how.

But on a funny note, I totally get Reagan wanting to wear a headband during the birth and trying to look cute!!!  I wore make up to Gabe and Harper's surgeries and painted my nails.  I wanted to look good in pictures.  And I am vain.

Here is the episode if you want to watch:

Friday, October 14, 2011


For whatever reason the topic of stay at home mom vs. working mom has come up a lot lately in my life. It's an interesting debate for me because I've been both. So I truly, for a fact, know that BOTH are hard. There are pluses and minuses to both. Both have great moments. Both have really awful moments. If you stand on one side of the fence and judge the other than you are a damn fool. As moms, as women, we should commend each other for our choices/decisions instead of trying to figure out who is a "better" mom.

When you become a parent, of any kind, you are now responsible for a HUMAN BEING! Do you know how much pressure that is?! It's a lot. And under that pressure you are forced to make a bunch of decisions - forumula or breastfeeding, vaccines or not, co-sleeping or crib sleeping, Mickey or Minnie, organic or not, gender specific play or generalized, circumcision or hooded wang, chocolate for breakfast or actual healthy food? The list goes on and on. And with each rising sun a new set of choices is presented. So when parents decide if one will stay home or both will work, trust me, it's a lengthy conversation. It's not, at least in my experience and in talking with others, a fly by the seat of your pants decision. And if you decide on working, you then have to decide on a day care situation which is also difficult.

What I am trying to get at is that working or not is a huge, personal choice and only you and your partner/spouse can decide what is best. NO ONE ELSE. So it hurts me to read or hear one sided arguments. I feel very lucky that I get to stay at home. I also feel lucky that for 7 years I got to be in a job I loved and enjoyed every day. So leaving it wasn't too awful because I got my fill.

I have sympathy for anyone that is unable to be the mom they want, stay at home or working. I am sure there are very valid reasons why they cannot do what they want and I am sure a bit of them hurts each day. For a year I had to be a working mom when I desperately did not want to be. Finances kept my dream from happening. Going into work never "got easier", never "got better" and I hated hearing that it would. My last day of work was one of the best days of my life!!

Do I miss work? Sometimes. But never enough to want to go back!

But in no way do I fault women or men for wanting to work. I totally get it. This being with the kids all day, every day is not for everyone! Some days I think it'd be easier to have a 9-5er. Other days I feel awful for Marc having to spend 40+ hours at a job and then come home and be dad.

All I know is that 100% of the time you are a parent no matter where your butt rests most of the day. And being a parent is the best most tiring job you can have!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Walt, C'mon Man!!

So this will be quick because I'm blogging from my phone. I want to see what it's like since I can't always sit at the computer.

Anyhoo, why does Mr. Disney hate women so much?! Mostly moms. In his movies women are dead, witches or evil step mothers. Yes, most of the stories are adapted from previously written fairy tales or stories, but c'mon man! Make us look decent every once in awhile!!

Snow White - evil step mother
Cinderella - same
Sleeping Beauty and Tangled - have moms but there are evil women out to get them
Little Mermaid - no mom to speak of, evil witch lady
Beauty and the Beast - no mom to speak of
Lion King - this one does have a mom. That's forced into slavery by her brother in law
Toy Story - single mom, why did the dad leave her?!
Princess and the Frog - finally a strong mother!!

I'm sure there are others, these just came to mind quickly!!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Ohhh little step back...

I do declare, I am not a mom made for play areas.

Let me explain.

While Marc was out of town for work the kids and me went and stayed with my folks in Charlottesville.  This required a 2 1/2 hour trip up and back.  On each leg of the trip we stopped at a place with a playland for them to stretch their legs.  Don't judge, yes, I give my kids fast food when needed, deal.

So at the Chik fil-a in Charlottesville Carter was a sweetheart and said hi to all the other kids.  They just sort of looked at her. Then she tried to hug one little girl and the brat said, "Don't hug me."  Ok, I get it, my child needs to learn to not touch people, but c'mon, it's a hug.  In my head back to the girl I said, "Keep up that attitude and no one will want to hug you. Ever.  Brat."

Then at the McDonald's outside of Roanoke a little girl pushed Carter.  Ohhhh momma was hot.  Carter, of course, looked quite sad, so I told her to come play with me instead.

This, this right here, is where I win Mom of the Year.

When CJ got to me I told her, "You push her right back.  Don't let her push you."  She said shyly, "Ok, mommy."

I just can't.  I can't be the mom that sits and lets playground stuff go down.  Not while they are so little.  It just broke my heart that Carter was so sweet and wanting to play and those germ monsters weren't accepting.  This, of course, leads to other thoughts of rejection that I really can't deal with now.

I CANNOT wait until the day Gabe is a beast and can take care of things for me.

Take that bratty little shits that will have no friends one day because you are mean.

Ok.  I think I am done now!

(I do understand this makes me look crazy, but I can accept that label.)