Friday, May 23, 2014

For The Times They Are A-Changin'

Well, she went and did it.  My first born went and grew up on me.   Yes, she's five.  Only five.  But to a mom going through all this the first time, she is ancient!

Yesterday was her pre-k graduation and she will be starting kindergarten in the fall.  She won't be in the same building as me, I won't be taking her to school, she'll be riding the bus home.  CJ will be in a big, huge school, with new people all around her. My hand holding her hand is being stretched out even more.

Cannot handle.

I mean, she's awesome, she's brave while still being cautious, she's friendly, smart, caring, and has the most beautiful soul.  Teachers adore her, kids want to be around her, she will do great.  I will do horribly.

One day Carter told Marc that she was glad she came out first.  She explained to Marc that she was in my belly with Gabriel and Harper and she was happy she came out before them. Well, I am too.  She's a great "guinea pig".  She excuses my faults, accepts my apologies, and helps me grow in to a good mom.  A mom worthy of her love.  Carty has always been a go with the flow kind of gal.  She's up for anything.  From minute one she has been our buddy.

She's the best.

The absolute best.  I am grateful for that girl.

When you first hold your child, you're in love.  You are mesmerized that this creature is yours.  But you know what, that love is NOTHING compared to what grows as you get to know them.  As you see them emerge as their own person. They have their own likes, dreams, wishes, fears, their very own view of the world.  And sometimes little glimmers of yourself shine through and you cannot help but laugh that someone else in this world can be so much like you.

I am so proud of CJP.  Despite me royally screwing her up, she's managed to turn out ok, so far! All those days and nights I cried thinking I was the worst mom to ever walk the planet, all those times I cried because I was exhausted and didn't know what the hell I was doing, the phone calls to anyone willing to listen to me, all led to this moment.  The moment I could sit back and beam with pride.

If I am such a mess over preschool, what the heck will I be like at high school graduation?  And college?  Don't get me started on her wedding.  Ey yi yi!

The best and worst part about kids is they grow up and become independent, exactly what you want them to be!


My baby girl walking in to the ceremony!!

Joy oozes out of her.

 Walking across the stage to accept her diploma. 
Her favorite color is red, the thing she'll miss most about preschool is playing with her friends, and when she grows up she wants to be a cooker. 

I'm holding on tight, she's ready to go.  *tears*

At least I know she'll always be silly!!!

"As the present now will later be past..for the times they are a-changin'."

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Momma's Day

Sigh.

It's Mother's Day.

It's got me feeling all these feelings.

Now, I wouldn't say being a mom is the most difficult job in the world.  I'd reserve that for the Marine about to enter war, the ER doctor about to save someone's life, anyone that works at a waste treatment center.  I think you know where I'm going with this.  Being a mom has challenging and difficult moments.  I would say being a mom is the weirdest job you can have.

It's weird that you meet your kid and instantly you are in love.  They haven't done a thing for you, most likely they aren't telling you they love you, aren't giving you presents, helping with chores, watching a game with you, sharing your love of Kit Kats, they are just them.  They are who they are and you love you them instantly.  And isn't that the best kind of love?  With no other reason than you love them for exactly who they are?!

I've been doing this gig for 5 years now and I've realized something, even when you are alone, you aren't alone. Ever.  You constantly have this feeling of them with you.  Now, I will say, it's rare that I am alone alone, like totally by myself.  Right now at this moment I am because Marc P has the kids out somewhere.  But I see all their toys, I have a couple of socks piled next to me on the desk, a picture of them staring at me.  So even though I don't hear their constant giggles, fighting, laughing, singing, whining, they are with me.

And when they are physically with me it is usually right under my feet, on my back, sometimes on my head, holding my hand, grabbing my face to tell me the love me.  Harper does this the most.  She puts me in a chokehold and says, "I love chu mommy".  And I melt.every.single.time.

This is a pretty accurate picture of us.

Doing anything is an extra 20-30 minutes when you have kids.  About to head out the door? HAHA, WRONG!  Someone has to go to the bathroom and someone forgot a very important toy that they MUST put in their backpack.  About to enter the car to go somewhere? HAHA WRONG!  There is a very interesting leaf that must be examined by each child.  And then each child must find their own interesting leaf. About to go to bed?  HAHA, WRONG!  One needs a hug (CJ), one's blanket isn't right (GB), one is singing and running around in her crib (that'd be Harper.  Every night.)

Want to eat and talk with your husband?  Try in about 18 years.  Parents' talking sounds like nails on a chalkboard to a kid.  They cannot handle it. They must stop it.  They must get the attention.  They must have mom all to themselves.

Want to go a trip?  That's fine, go, but know that you'll think about them every single second you are gone.  And you'll be worried the entire time that you might not get back to them. Ok, so maybe that's just me with the morbid thoughts, but it's true.  And when you hear their little voices on the phone you will immediately want to pack all your shit up and get home to them.

And you know what, I wouldn't trade this job for any other.  Even on the craziest of days.  Because I could be behind a stupid old desk at a stupid old job.  Instead I get to play princesses and dinosaurs, sing and dance all day long, read books, play outside, and learn the nuances that make up each child.  I'm super lucky.  Super happy.  And I have Marc to thank for making me a mom!  Thanks, babe!

And yes, the birds arrived home while I was typing and put an end to all my thoughts.  But I think this will do!

I love you, birds.  Thanks for making me feel like I'm doing an ok job!!

And since I attach music to every aspect of my life, here is Ben Harper and HIS MOM!!! singing the song "Born to Love You" and it's beautiful!