Monday, March 2, 2015

Midnight Train

Right after I found out that my baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore I had a dream. I'm still trying to make sense of this dream.

I was on a field trip with Gabe and his class, we rode a train. As we got off my Aunt/Godmother Jackie was there. Jackie passed years ago and I must admit I haven't ever dreamed about her. So Gabe and I get off the train and Jackie says that I should get back on and take a ride with her and her friends. I politely decline and say I have to go. Jackie laughs and understands, she's happy, enjoying her day, and goes off with her friends. Most of my memories of Jackie are of her laughing and telling a story. The dream isn't that far off.

Was I suposed to get on? Was my Godmother taking my baby with her? Why did I dream about her after never dreaming about her before?

Dreams can be weird. Just last night I had a dream I was dating London Perrantes, a UVa basketball player, so don't trust my brain at all.

The dream helped in a weird way.  I've heard when you dream of the dead you hear from the living. I've been on the lookout since that day.

I've also felt random hands on my back, a rub of the leg, a pat on the shoulder. When I was little I called my Guardian Angel Judy. I would write to her in my angsty youth when I couldn't make sense of the world. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was one of my grandparents or uncles. Who knows. I am sure I was having phantom pains from all the emotions I was dealing with. 

Today was my first day back in the real world. Back to work after being off for two weeks. Gotta say, the people I surround myself with sure are spectacular. No one pushed, no one pried. I was met with grace and warmth, understanding and support. I got a high five and only one hug. But I'll let that one slide because I love her so much.

I had to stop myself from crying only a few times but tonight I let the tears flow. The release valve just couldn't do its job anymore. I imagine it will be this way for awhile. I just can't help but think about how differently the rest of this year will go. I had big plans for my baby and me. I was gonna get fat and happy. I was gonna have a huge belly at the beach. I'd be sending Gabe off to kindergarten with weeks to go. Harper would be starting pre-k the day before baby nug's birth. September 10th is so far away but I could smell the baby's head. I could feel the lump of baby on my chest. I was already exhausted thinking about middle of the night feedings.

My aunt Jackie loved the song Midnight Train to Georgia.  Amazingly the lyrics work for this situation:

"But he sure found out the hard way, that dreams don't always come true."

Since this particular dream didn't come true, I sure am hoping there's another one coming down the pike.