Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Blue Skies

Confession time: I LOVE birthdays. I love my own, I love my husband's and kids', I love other people's birthdays. I think everyone should be celebrated simply for being born.

Why wouldn't you want to reflect back on the past year's trip around the sun? Plus all the many years you've ventured around this watered planet.

I think it's a good idea to have a day when you stop and think about the great things in your life. And the not so great things. You need the peaks and valleys to appreciate it all. And this past year, well there have been some big, deep, dark valleys. But my God did I experience the beauty that comes out of the painful times.

From October to February (even as recent as yesterday) shit was crazy. Lots of scary, sad, horrible experiences happened in my family (Patrouch and Kozuch). Through those times I saw my family get closer. I saw brothers and sisters, parents, spouses, coming together in trying times and holding each other up. There was a time when my brother could not stand, so we brought him in to our home and held him up. There were times when Marc and I could not breathe so our parents gave us their breath. No questions, no demands, nothing but unconditional love.

And that's what life is about.

The big moments, the little moments, the seconds that make up our days. There is beauty in all of it. There is beauty in the mundane. There is beauty in the excitement.

During my 34th year I was fortunate enough to gain some new friendships. Really good friends are like family members and I'm lucky to have found some. The kind of friends that see your messy house and keep moving along, that step in and help out when you're about to lose your mind, friends that help you during your first camping trip, let you stay on their volleyball team even though you can't play, the friends that take you out and convince you to drink one more drink...ok maybe I am that friend, but you get it. And most importantly the friends that give you hugs when you desperately don't want them but desperately need them. Yeah, I'm lucky.

So cheers to my birthday and cheers to your birthday! May you live long and prosper.

Our most recent family pic! We took Marc to the Safari Park in Natural Bridge for Father's Day. I love Team P. 

Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" is pretty fitting for a day like today, but Willie Nelson singing "Blue Skies" has been playing on loop in my head for a couple weeks now.  It's pretty great.

"I never saw the sun shinin' so bright, never saw things goin' so right, noticing the days hurrying by when you're in love, my how they fly."

Tuesday, June 16, 2015


My Gabo, Gaberdoodle, Gabey Baby is on his way to kindergarten.

 Best friends/mortal enemies, you never know!

So pretty much everyone that goes to preschool graduates from preschool. So maybe it's silly to have a graduation and celebrate the event.  But my god do I love it. It's just so cute all the little peoples so proud of themselves. I'm lucky in that I work at the school (three days a week this year) so I really get to know the pre-k kids. Not only was I proud and excited for Gabe, I was proud and excited for all of them. I sure will miss these little babes next year!

His nervous tongue cracks me up. And does he not look like a teenager?!

The pre-k kids singing. Gabe was WAY more in to it than I thought he would be. The poor guy couldn't even get on the stage for the Christmas program.

Gabe's class did the alphabet in sign language.

 Accepting his "diploma" from his teacher, LPW.

 Me and two of my birds.

 Grammy and Grandpa made the trip!

 Pop Pop and Mom Mom with the proud graduate.

 These two have become the best of friends. Melts me.

Gabe and his Godmother. It's hard to tell they are family. ;)

Sheesh...this boy. He has a power over me like no other. I cannot resist his charm and affection. His long flowy hair, big grin, tight hugs, his obsession with me. It's not healthy, us two. He can't live without me and I cannot live without him. We need help.

As a baby he was terrible. Cried for months. And not just cried, screamed, yelled, it was tough. But it's where our physical attraction started. I HAD to hold him, it's the only way he was happy. To this day he sometimes just needs to lay on me to find his center. It actually happened last night. He just needed to be on me.

When I look back on his life and see where he is now I get all teary eyed. High maintenance baby, Occupational Therapy when he was 2 1/2, seizure/diagnosed with Epilepsy at 4 1/2, and now here he is, ready and excited for elementary school.

I'm so so proud of him. He has needed more guidance and more attention than the girls. He is the one that really pushes me to my parenting limits. He gives me my highest highs and my lowest lows. I can't imagine life without my baby boy. He is so kind, caring, loving, exciting. 

Seeing him have such a big seizure and long recovery shattered me to my core. I didn't know that pain could hurt so bad. I didn't know that a mother's love really will push you through any terrible thing that might happen. Didn't know what it meant to push aside your own suffering to be strong for your child. I just wanted to take that seizure on myself. I wanted to give him all of my energy so he could recover. I would have switched places with him in a heartbeat. I went through a terrible miscarriage, but I would go through that every year for the rest of Gabe's life if it meant he never had to suffer a seizure. I would do anything for that boy (all my birds really.)

But that seizure and the times since have shown me what a tough kid he is. He takes his medicine every day without any fight, he doesn't have a problem talking about it, he has handled it all very well. He is actually better about it than I am. Every night I go to bed wondering if I'll wake up to him having another one. Every time he is away from me I'm afraid he'll have one and I won't be with him. But he doesn't think twice about it, he's too busy enjoying life.

I hope and pray he always enjoys life this much. He would hug Harper every day after school when he first saw her. He would run to Carter as she got off the bus everyday. He gets excited when Marc gets home from work. Forget about if Grandpa or Pop Pop show up! Gabe loves big. Really big. He LOVES dinosaurs. He LOVES pirates.  He just loves love.

And I love him. More than I ever thought humanly possible. 

Gabe, good luck in Kindergarten. I'm sure you'll be a heartbreaker, just like you've always been.

"Don't let them say your hair's too long,
'Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong.
Then put your little hand in mine,
There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb.

Babe, I got you babe."

Thursday, June 4, 2015


Four months and one day ago I got the news. The not so fun news.

I don't know why the four month anniversary has me all twisted inside. I've handled the sadness pretty well, in my opinion, but yesterday was hard.

I should be 25 weeks pregnant.

The baby should be the size of a rutabaga. (I love that food is always used for size description.)

I should be super fat, hot, and annoyed at everything.

I should be rubbing that super fat belly and feeling baby kicks.

Keeping distracted yesterday was my main goal. The kids' play room has been driving me crazy lately so I figured that was the best project to start. Around lunchtime there was someone at the door. Our neighbors returning eyeliner for their dance recital. They said they were going to Taco Bell and we could come if we wanted.


I love TB and I love distraction.

After lunch I got a call from my neighbor basically telling me I needed to go to Pure Barre with her. Her dad would even watch my kids.

So I went. It was exactly four months and two days since I last worked out there.

On February 1 I asked one of the teachers for the pregnancy workout protocol. She sent me an email the next day.

See, I was positive nothing bad was going to happen. I was even planning on how to workout while pregnant.

Then the world came crashing down.

But I worked out, it felt awful and great all at the same time, and I managed to not vomit or cry. I wanted to do both very badly.

So today I sit here with my butt and legs on fire. I am letting physical pain take over my emotional pain.

To Jordan, thank you for giving me exactly what I needed. Even though you didn't know I did. And to Julie, thanks for the gift card to Pure Barre, it was the motivation I needed.

And to everyone that has helped me over this long but short time, thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you.

A few weeks ago Marc P and I saw DMB in Raleigh. This song is new and I obsessed with it. I play it quite often these days.

"I want love more than I deserve."