Thursday, October 13, 2016

The Life of a Crier

So I wrote this blog, Emily's Super Soul Thursday, when I was sort of the opposite of happy. I was trying very hard to make myself happy. Overall it worked. Thinking of good things, not bad, obviously will change your mindset. But after weeks it's hard to keep that going, so on Tuesday night I let it all out.

I mean I cried and cried, I cried so much that at 11 pm Marc told me I should really go to bed. HE didn't even know what to do for me and he's been watching me cry for almost ten years. It started when the kids got home from school and I saw a note on Carter's test. During a test she read a multiple choice question and decided, "Yep, that's me and I should make a note of it." She is "filled with happiness" and it just overtook me. The kid is happy. Always has been. She's our angel baby. 

I gained enough composure that I could continue on with my motherly duties and even play volleyball. Volleyball was great, it was a teammate's birthday, we had fun and won. But on the way home I kept thinking about Carter's note. And songs would play that made me cry, and well, that's when the randomly crying started.

I managed to make it inside and sit on the couch though. Not a single thing made me cry. Progress. Then I asked Marc if he wanted to watch a happy show or sad. He said happy.  STILL MADE ME CRY. There's a new show called "Speechless" and it was funny but also sappy. Overall, I handled myself well though. Maybe? You'd have to ask Marc.

After two or three episodes we decided it was time for bed. So as Marc was snuggled up in the bed I was in the bathroom starting my weeping fest. Uh, it was ugly. I had to stifle it so Marc wouldn't hear, then I had to make it to the bed without crying, and then somehow talk without my voice sounding funny. That's when I knew I HAD to watch something sad to get it all out.

That's where "This Is Us" comes in to play. Have you seen it? I cried from minute one of the first episode to the last minute of the second episode. That's when Marc kindly suggested it was time for bed, even though we had one more episode to watch. 

Since August we have had a lot going on. I could go in to all the boring details but they don't much matter. What matters is it's been a lot and I am tired. Really tired. So is Marc. We need a Zack Morris timeout.

The one thing I will jump in to quickly is the thing that has been making me sad for a long time. I don't want it to make me sad anymore, I want to move on, I've tried, but I have failed miserably. Anytime I think I'm doing better something reminds me of it and BOOM! back to sadness. My miscarriage. I don't think I'm supposed to still be sad about it, I mean it happened in February 2015, but it still has a very strong hold on me. What's really crazy is I do not want any more children, so it's not about that, it's about the fact I wanted THAT baby. That bird was supposed to be mine. That bird is supposed to be one right now. On September 10th we should have been celebrating a first birthday. I should be toting around a baby that's just starting to get in to everything. I shouldn't have worked all last year, I should have been with a newborn. I shouldn't be so involved with everything, I should be a mom to four kids and busy with all that comes with that.

But I try to tell myself that I did work last year. I worked and got really close to the three teachers I assisted. And I am grateful for their friendship every single day. And I try to tell myself that I've met so many awesome people because I am so involved with everything. And I am grateful for the new people in my life. 

So with the bad, I try to focus on the good. When sad thoughts pop in to my brain I literally say to myself, "Emily, DON'T DO IT, think of something happy." 

But on Tuesday, October 11th my tear ducts had enough and finally opened up the flood gates. I am happy to report that I watched the third episode of "This Is Us" and I didn't cry. *Pat on the back* *Thank you!*

I guess this is a blog to say that if you know someone who has lost someone, a mother, a baby, hell even a pet, reach out to them every once in awhile to see if they are ok. A lot of grieving people fake it until they make it. When you are hurting you have no idea who to turn to who or to talk to. You feel as though you are burdening them, or you should't talk about it because it's been so long. But pain is pain and they may just need to know someone cares. 

And just tell them that a tv show about a family with Mandy Moore as the mom will really get the tears going.

Jesus Christ almighty I still can't believe I cried so much.

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